


A Daring Escape

by Rimedio



Category: Jonathan Coulton - Fandom, Skullcrusher Mountain (Song)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2012-12-19
Packaged: 2017-11-21 12:44:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/597900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rimedio/pseuds/Rimedio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carrier pigeons are very useful when planning an escape from a madman’s lair of doom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Daring Escape

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ghettogepetto](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghettogepetto/gifts).



Help! Please Read! Help! Please Read! Help! Please Read! Help! Please Read! Help! 

To my saviour (I hope),

If you are reading this, then it’s my lucky day. Probably.  If you’re not evil (please don’t be evil).   The thing is, I really need your help.  I’m being held prisoner by a raving lunatic who also happens to be an evil genius (hereafter referred to as Ralph).  Please, oh please get me out of here! 

Oh, you want to know where I am first?  Presumably you are standing on a beach somewhere holding my little bottle, so look around, do you see an enormous mountain sprouting out of the sea anywhere?  I am going to assume you don’t since I can’t see land out my window in said mountain.  Does the name “Skullcrusher Mountain” ring a bell?  I didn’t think it would, but that’s the only name I have for it. When I first got here (or was revived at any rate) Ralph said to me “Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain.”  I kid you not.  If I hadn’t still been more than half dopey from whatever they used to knock me out, I would have laughed in his face (and probably been killed on the spot).  It’s a pretty safe bet that’s not its real name unless Ralph built the whole ridiculous thing himself (and by ‘himself’ I mean he designed it and his henchmen did the actually building; can’t be a proper evil genius without henchmen).  I want to be clear that ridiculous does not mean unimpressive.  Even if Ralph just hollowed out an existing mountain to make his fortress (excuse me, lair) it’s quite the feat of engineering, and if he built it from scratch well... I am sure you can see why I think I might need some help getting out of here.

As I’ve alluded to I was brought here under sedation.  I was given something that knocked me out but good, and unfortunately my memory on both sides of the unconsciousness is somewhat fuzzy, so I have no real sense of how long I’ve been here.  Since I’ve been awake it’s been two days (that’s how long it took me to break the catch on the window without making it obvious that I’d done so and fashion an actually waterproof stopper for this bottle, which is really a soap dispenser from the bathroom).  Unfortunately that’s probably not long enough for anyone to be looking for me yet, such is life when you are single, self-employed, introverted, and devoid of close family.  My point being: no help on that front.

I don’t have anything else useful to say about my surroundings, I haven’t been allowed outside so all I have is the view out my window which is basically water, water, and more water.  I’ve been to other parts of the lair that look out on actual land and it all looks pretty barren.  But this place is _huge_ so they have to be getting food and supplies from somewhere.  I doubt Ralph himself is buying the potatoes and whatnot, but just in case, I’ll describe him, although he looks so much the stereotypical supervillain it _has_ to be affectation.  He’s white and incredibly pale in a never-in-real-sunlight kind of way.  Medium height and so thin as to be gaunt, black hair (probably dyed) and of course the requisite evil goatee.  Dressed in – you guessed it – all black; silk, leather, high boots, the works.  Plus an ostentatious purple lined cape.  Obviously compensating for something.

Like I said though, I’m sure he never mingles with the masses, it wouldn’t fit his image.  His henchmen, however, do go out, which I know because one of them took it upon himself to kidnap me.  He did it on a whim apparently, the way Ralph put it was: “he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing them to me.” While I am obviously offended at being so referred I did have a moment of hope that I might find a companion in my distress, but no such luck.  Ralph mentioned that I am the first “live pretty thing” brought in by Scarface.  Yes, the guy who kidnapped me is called Scarface.  I don’t know if all the henchmen are called that or if Scarface somehow got dibs on that moniker.  In any case skin and hair colour vary, but they are all built along the same lines: big, beefy, scarred, and wearing various bits of ripped fabric and leather.  So if you see someone like that, maybe follow them home?

I know this isn’t a lot to go on, but I hope it’s enough to lead you to me.

Yours in desperation,

Zebeen

 

~*~

 

Dear Zebeen,

As you can see, someone did get your message, and lucky for you that someone has access to Derkholm special brainy carrier/homing pigeons.  Which means finding you has ceased to be an issue.  Unfortunately that’s far from the only issue we face.  You are right, I can’t actually see your mountain, I’m just trusting it’s really there.  That your window looks out on waves is a good thing for your prospective escape.  Do you think you could get out through it?  Also, I want your opinion on air versus sea approach.  To elaborate a bit, the current options are a small enough boat that I can handle it myself, or a winged horse, both of those having rental fees within my means.  If we need more fire power, the next step up would be to retain the services of a griffin, but they don’t come cheap.  Before I make any definite plans I need to know anything you can tell me about the layout and defences of this Skullcrusher Mountain place. 

Best of luck,

Rosalita

PS A description of yourself may prove useful for rescuing the correct person as well.

 

~*~

 

Lovely Rosalita,

Your letter pulled me out of the depths of despair (I’ve heard of Derkholm pigeons, but never seen one until today).  I’d exhausted all my options and had nothing to do but wait and hope.  Not an ideal situation.  I mean Ralph keeps saying, “The voices that control me from inside my head say I shouldn't kill you yet,” but who knows how long until the voices get tired of me. 

Things here just keep getting weirder.  Ralph clearly wants me to like him and doesn’t seem to understand why I hold the kidnapping/imprisonment thing against him.  I mean, sure my rooms are nice, but the effect is ruined by the big ol’ lock on the door.  Today however, he outdid himself in terms of shear insanity in trying to win me over.  Ralph usually comes by to talk to me mid morning and we go on a walk to some new part of the complex in an attempt to preserve the illusion of myself as a willing guest.  Today though, he says right away that he has a surprise for me and is practically bouncing as he leads me to a non-descript room not far from my own and opens the door (dun dun dunnn).  It’s a part horse, part monkey monster with flowing manes and long prehensile tails sticking out all over.  It was simultaneously absolutely ridiculous and totally terrifying (a combination I am finding often applies in Skullcrusher Mountain).  I’m not ashamed to admit that I started screaming and didn’t stop until Ralph shut the door on the creature.  And it was supposed to be a gift for me!  I ask you! Apparently because I like monkeys and I like ponies (which is true, monkeys are so smart and ponies are dead useful) I should like the combination even more.  Um, no.  Just, no.  Ralph of course called me ungrateful and went away muttering about having used too many monkeys.  Trust me Ralph, that’s not the problem.

OK, so that was a little off topic.  Sorry.  I don’t really have anyone to talk to.  You asked about the layout of Ralph’s lair, and if I can get out my window.  Well, the window’s big enough, but has pretty sturdy iron bars on (of course).  I think trying to get me out the window is still our best bet though because this place in an absolute maze, and I mean that literally; it’s got everything, dead ends, fake doors, and the threat of a monster at every turn.  I don’t know about air versus sea.  I guess the real question is what has enough power to dislodge the window bars.  I know a griffin would, but I don’t want to strain your purse.  You should know that once I get out and can get to it, I have plenty of resources although I do realize that fact isn’t actually useful at the moment.

How will you recognize my window?  It’s the one with yellow lacy curtains (I have no idea, don’t ask) and bars on.  I assume the combination is unique.  As for myself, I am easily recognizable as the only (obviously) female person in the area.  If that’s not enough, I am dark of hair, eye, and skin, and will be wearing a highly impractical yet very pretty long flowing dress.  Which reminds me, bring me some practical clothes if you can.  Pants, shirt, maybe a jumper, I am medium sized, but really really don’t care if it fits.

Yours faithfully,

Zebeen

 

~*~

 

Dear Zebeen,

If you call me lovely Rosalita again I will punch you.  This is your one and only warning.

I’ve gone out on a limb and taken you at your word on those resources, by which I mean I’ve hired a griffin (so you’d better not let me down).  She gave me the rescuing-a-kidnapped-person discount, and while the fact that that discount even exists is a little worrying, I am not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.  Suffice it to say, we are getting a good price.

We’ve arranged on three days from now for “the extraction” as Lydda (the griffin) calls it.  We’ll leave the coast about dusk which, reckoning by pigeon flight times, should get us to Skullcrusher Mountain about midnight.  However, pigeon flight times are a really rough measure, so actual time of arrive will be...well who knows, hopefully not too early or late.  When we arrive Lydda will deal with the window bars (as quietly as possible), you climb out the window and Lydda ferries you to the boat where I will be waiting with a big sweater and two extra oars.  Then we scram.  If we need extra speed Lydda can pull us part of the way.  There aren’t sharks in the water are there?

Send the pigeon back right away and let me know if there is anything potentially catastrophic about this plan (i.e. you get chained to Scarface every night or something like that).  Otherwise I’ll see you in a few days.

~Rosalita

PS Can you mark your window in some way?  It might be too dark to pick out the yellow lace.

 

~*~

 

Hiya Rosalita,

Message received and understood.  There will be no more application of inappropriate pet names.

Your plan sounds reasonable.  And I can’t tell you how happy I am to have a time frame.  Ralph’s underlying hostility is becoming increasingly overt and his dissatisfaction with my attitude is apparent.  He is talking about escaping away on his golden submarine (Couldn’t just call it yellow, could you Ralph?) while his henchmen “ignite the atmosphere” and presumably decimate the planet.  He doesn’t actually have the capabilities to do this of course (and how long does he think we’d last in his submarine if we couldn’t come up for air?) but then Ralph is not exactly a poster child for sanity.  He also keeps going on about the wolves all over the mountain.  Those actually exist, I hear them howling every night.  I don’t think they should be a problem though, my window is in the cliff side, so no wolves there.  Hmmm, unless they smell Lydda, do you think she can disguise her scent somehow?  No sharks in the water.  Believe me, if there were, Ralph would be bragging about them.

On recognizing my window:  My bathroom is filled with ridiculous scented candles.  I’ll make sure one of them is set on the sill.

No need to write back unless the plan changes.  I’ll be ready and waiting.

Good luck,

Zebeen

 

~*~

 

Hi Rosalita,

Thank you so much forever and ever.  I know I’ve already said it a million times but I just can’t get over how awesomely badass you are.

Anyway, I’m hoping to see you soon (I just don’t feel safe in this town anymore, I know it’s irrational, but I was kidnapped so I feel entitled) but I wanted to get this sent out since I have a few loose ends to tie up before I can walk out of here and I know that Lydda needs to be paid.  I assured you that I was good for it and you put a lot of faith in me and wouldn’t even take a reward (which is absurd by the way, you saved my life, “take me out to dinner sometime” is not my idea of an appropriate reward, and surely you know I’d do that anyway,) so I’m trying to be prompt and responsible.  Because I really am thankful.  And beyond that, you and Lydda are just wonderful people that I am thrilled to have met.

I’ll stop before I get really embarrassing, and hope to see you when I’m in town in a week or so.

Your friend,

Zebeen

 

~*~

 

Dear Zeeben,

Please consider all debts repaid.  Lydda asked after you and I told her you are moving.   She said to tell you to look her up if you are ever in Sleane.

I am very much looking forward to seeing you again, under better circumstances.  So send a pigeon when you arrive.  I am holding you to that dinner offer, don’t think you can wriggle out of it.

You will never guess what I found in the paper this morning.  I’m not done laughing so I won’t send the clipping, but you can see it later if you like.  It was a short piece tucked away in the middle about a weird spurt of flame that had been sighted off the coast over the weekend.  A team of police mounted on flying horses went to investigate and discovered “a heretofore undiscovered volcanic island, the eruption of which caused the observed phenomenon.  The wizards postulate that the eruption brought the new island to the surface and while it is currently a blackened cinder, in the words of High Chancellor Querida, ‘give it a couple of hundred years and it will be a tropical island paradise.’”  So...I don’t think you have to worry about Ralph coming after you again.

Yours fondly,

Rosalita

 

~*~

 

Rosalita,

Just arrived, am sitting in inn across from station: “The Flying Pig”.  Come find me and let’s get this party started.

-Zebeen


End file.
